In what country do you get sent to prison for wishing a family member "Happy Birthday"?
(a) Soviet Russia
(b) Nazi Germany
(c) England
I`ll give you some clues.
My name is Garry Johnson and I was a political prisoner in Essex...though I was classed as a `Civil Prisoner`...which meant I could wear my own clothes...have daily visits...didnt have to work...and was released after 13 days without a Criminal Record.
I have since my release on Tuesday been to The Court of Appeal attended various legal meetings and medical examinations..
Met with my MP and spoken to various media outlets.
When I went into Prison I had Five Court cases pending...and now have seven.
I will explain later how I became the `Nelson Mandela` of Basildon...but first...what was life like as a POLITICAL PRISONER?
Within 10 minutes of arriving at Chelmsford Prison...I met another `new boy` in reception...the son of an old mate...who`d just got Seven years for Robbery.
About half-hour later 2 burly officers escorted me to one of the Wings where on my arrival I heard "Garry what you doing here?".
It was an old friend...former boxer...6ft 3in...career criminal...and a prison `face`.
Things got even better when moments later...a 21-year-old and Beauchamps `old boy`...the mate of a `family member`...recognised me and joined the `welcoming party`.
Both carried my bedding and introduction pack/canteen to my cell.
But...the next morning things took a `turn for the worse`...I woke with chest pains and was taken to the Prison Hospital.
The doctor confirmed I was having a `heart attack`...and within seconds I was attached to a oxygen mask.
A ambulance was called and I was rushed with blue light flashing and siren blaring to Broomfield Hospital.
On my arrival I was given morphine (which I love almost as much as Charlie and Speed)...attached to a monitor...put on a drip...and given oxygen to breathe.
I spent 36 hours not only in pain...but being treated as a `dangerous criminal`...chained to my bed with two prison guards at all time.
One of them was quite young, friendly and we ended up getting on like a `house on fire`...so much so that the night before I was freed he came to my cell wished me luck and shook my hand.
Even in hospital/prison...the Garry Johnson `gift of the gab` never left me...might not have the looks LOL...but I do have a `personality` which makes people like me.
I can `turn on the charm` like a tap.
During my brief stay in Broomfield Hospital...and after hearing about my so-called `crime`...the screws said "You are what we call a Civil"...they explained "you get all the benefits of a Remand Prisoner...you dont have to work, can wear your own clothes and have as many visits as you want".
I always come up `smelling of roses`.
On my return to prison I was examined by the medical staff and offered my own regime.
I could stay in the Prison Hospital until my release ...but didnt fancy that...it was `cushy` and more comfortable then the Wing...only some of the inmates were called `vulnerable prisoners` who were kept away from the main population...if you aint guessed...that is `code` for "nonces" and perverts.
So I asked to go back to a Wing...the medics agreed on condition "you do no work and take it easy".
I was sent to E-Wing and on my landing was a old mate who`d just started a 4 year sentance...it`s bizarre...but a few weeks earlier when I read about Reg in The Echo...it never crossed my mind that I`d soon be doing time with him.
He is a right character and a very funny bloke and we had a lot of laughs during association and walking the yard.
An insight into his character - a few years ago he had his own football pitch in the grounds of his house in Wickford with dugouts and a sound system - that played the Match Of The Day theme tune as the kids walked out to play.
He is well respected in both the Traveller and Criminal Community and inside everyone seemed to know him...and his mates would keep me supplied with tea bags.
I also met a few idiots...chavs and scum like those who appear on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
One lowlife from Basildon said "this is my 14th time" as if I was meant to be `impressed`...another after learning I was a writer asked me to pen his life story when he got out...a bloke from East London claimed his firm `protected` the father of Amy Childs from a gang of Essex blackmailers...and some young black kid from Peckham kept showing me his lyrics - what he called "bars".
I think I was to be honest `like a breath of fresh air` for the inmates - who spent most of the time talking about their crimes...whereas I `entertained` them with my Showbiz Tales...the youngsters in there were well impressed with my Stone Roses connection...rock&roll background...and impressed by the fact that I wrote, filmed and directed porn movies.
I took quite a few orders LOL.
As I wasnt allowed to work on `medical grounds` I spent almost 20 hours a day banged up watching TV...which aint a `lot of laughs`...there was no SKY or remote control...so every time I wanted to change channels I had to get up...that was so annoying.
A typical day:
7.45: Allowed out of cell to collect Breakfast - was able to wander the landing for about 15 minutes chatting and swapping food.
*I did not eat the food - instead I would swap my dinner and evening meals for packets of cornflakes and supernoodles.
I lost SIXTEEN pounds in 13 days" and because I had no product/gel for my hair it seemed to grow about two inches in a fortnight.
Last night I watched Rod Stewart on the Alan Carr Show and my barnet is just like Rod`s...so "well happy" LOL.
8am: Banged up
9am: All the other prisoners would go to work - but I watched TV for three hours.
Mid-day: Collect dinner and wander about for 15 minutes.
12.15: Banged-up
12.30 to 1pm: Association/walk the yard with Reg P.
1 to 2pm: Banged-up
2-4pm: Other prisoners went to work - I watched TV
4.45: Collect food wander the landing for 15 minutes.
5pm to 7.45 next morning: Banged Up...other prisoners went to the gym or played football...I wasnt allowed on `medical grounds`.
So that was my Mon-Fri schedule...the only other time I came out of my cell was for visits...to use the phone...or to collect my medication.
Saturday & Sunday: Banged-up apart from collecting food, association and visits...
As you can see being a `civil prisoner` did have advantages - NO WORK - OWN CLOTHES - VISITS - but it did mean being banged-up and isolated for long periods.
I loved being visited by my `family` as they treated it as like being in TV`s Prisoners Wives - they loved the drama of it all LOL.
The best thing about this latest `incident` is that it has brought us even CLOSER together...as we all knew who was to blame...who `stitched me up`...we now call her `supergrass`...or the Essex version of Emmerdale`s Alicia Metcalfe!
I came up with that knickname - as I had to watch rubbish telly like Emmerdale, Tipping Point, Bargain Hunt, Dickinsons Real Deal, Loose Women...to stop `dying of boredom`...I even watched the politically correct Eastenders...`a right load of bollocks` apart from Michael Moon`s crombies and single mum Lola.
Prison changed my support for the Death Penalty...something I had believed in all my life...but now I think it`s the `easy way out` for scum like ian huntley and stuart hazell.
Talking of perverts and paedophiles I told everyone about the `crimes` of richard grimson...the former pimp and child abuser would get a lot of grief if he set foot in Chelmsford Prison.
Without doubt he would be recognised...I gave a very detailed description..said he currently lived in Wisbech and revealed his previous address of 40 Hyde Way Wickford.
Back to my `change of heart` about the Death Penalty. Vile and evil scum like huntley and hazell will suffer a lot more by doing LIFE in prison.
Every hour is like a month...and they will be `marked men` with no friends...even the screws will hate them.
I`d only support the Death Penalty if they were hung AFTER they`d done the 30 years.
In prison they will be denied every creature comfort...no sex...no decent food...no alcohol...they will sleep surrounded by noise and with the lights on.
They will eat of plastic plates and drink from plastic mugs - that is for the rest of their lives.
Every day will start at 7.45am and end at 8pm.
Scum like them will never again get dressed up for a night on the town...go to the bookies or visit a pub.
No going to a Football match, a concert, McDonalds, driving a car, walking in a park...for the rest of there lives they will NEVER again walk more then 100 yards at any one time.
They will have thirty years of depravation...hardship...and because they are both perverts and paedophiles...they will be living in fear.
That has got to better then `getting off` with the Death Penalty.
